Quotes from The Office

That's what she said!

In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate...no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it...Nike.

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep!

I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl, so I'm wise and have worms.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home. Three cell phones in front of me. Fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.

I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like: 'Your mom is so fat she can eat the Internet.' But smack talk is happening like right now, like: 'You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets into trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.

I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's.

I hear Angela’s party will have double-fudge brownies. But it will also have Angela.

My resolution was to get more attention.

If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.

Listen up kid! I don't like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.

Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Oh my God, I'm not a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniacs are crazy. They can't help themselves. I can help myself.

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing

I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.

I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

You guys I'm like really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, 'Kelly what's the biggest company in the world?' And I'd be like, 'blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.' Giving you the exact right answer.

Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.

I stopped caring a long time ago.

I declare bankruptcy!

I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.

I don't care what they say about me, I just wanna eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.

I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?

Not everything’s a lesson. Sometimes you just fail.

As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it.

My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you've been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

Will I get over it? No but life goes on.

I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart.

Oh my God it's happening! Everybody stay calm. Stay f*cking calm!

And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

"Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.

All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter.

This is a dream that I've had...since lunch...and I'm not giving it up now.

They always say that it's a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!?

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.

When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one more to go.

I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.

I’m such a perfectionist that i’d kinda rather not do it at all than do a crappy version.

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? OK, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued,' four dots is a typo, but five dots means, 'Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

Well, I manage my own department and I've been doing that for several years now. And God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way - Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.

I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.

In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Failure of any kind is failure.

I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape.

Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the time.

Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats Kevin.

You wanna call someone that texted you? Do you want to drive them away?

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.

Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.

You know who’s really funny? This bird in the park that can’t fly right. I’d pay to see him but I don’t have to, ‘cause the park is free.

That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything, and everything falls apart. And eventually you die and no one remembers you.

My tombstone has been already made, thank you.

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them.